As it turns out, I haven't updated this journal since February. Of last year. Woops?

Strangely the title of that post never stopped applying...In fact I think lately it applies even more. I'm so busy I forget to call home or check in with friends every once in a while. (Sorry Suzy! I'm not dead, I swear!!)

So I've kind of been in a bit of limbo for a while now...questioning my capabilities, my future, etc. Beginning easily since last year and progressively getting worse really. Just every once in a while stressing out about it, yet always feeling just a little bit lost and unsure of what I'm doing. I always had this nagging feeling that I was "falling behind". Not because I wasn't improving in my skills, I knew I was just as every one else is though not necessarily at the same pace, but because I felt I wasn't applying them how I really wanted. I didn't feel I yet had any set style or way of working...that I didn't yet have an identity. Others I could see theirs clear as day.

It's not that I didn't think I have a style; I know I do (though it has changed a tad bit since last semester, ever since Brandes made me draw in the style of Charles Dana Gibson and I fell in love with parts of it which I've incorporated into it). I just didn't feel that my style always applied, like my way of thinking/working wasn't consistent every time. How I plan how to make a comic page for instance I knew was drastically different than how I planned for an illustration - but I felt they shouldn't be. Both are ways of drawing and in essence finding the best way to solve a problem. So why was one way easy (comic) and the other always a struggle (illustration)?

It still is, but I've had two "revelations" lately.

First of all, I realized I could draw in my style in my illustration class. God, I know, I should have known that sooner but it was like REVELATION. I don't know if it's because I've always had to hide my more cartoony style from my art teachers in middle/high school and pretend to only draw realism that I got it imprinted into my brain to keep them split like that forever or what...so school assignments I was always making realistic, maybe only a slight hint on the cartoony side, but stuff I drew on my own was always how I wanted to look. My thumbnails, maybe, were in my style - which usually led to the finished illustrations strangely not working as well as they did in the thumbnail. Then, BAM, this year I suddenly realize I CAN MAKE THEM LOOK HOW I WANT. Holy crap! I know there is a time for realism and a time for stylization, but suddenly knowing this I feel I already am making better illustrations simply because I don't feel...constricted.

If you know my style, you might not think they're not that different so might not understand why I was having this trouble...but just trust me when I say it is. I was always trying to force myself to think differently, and it was in a way that wasn't working for me. Now that I can click back to being me...Ooooh life feels better already. Optimism slightly improved.

Needless to say, this first illustration of the year where I'm trying this for class, I'm kind of liking how its looking already. And the kids in it are drawn more in my style than realistic. YAY. Should have it done & posted soon.

Secondly, and this relates to my feeling lost/unsure thing, have you ever had someone say something to you that at the time didn't mean anything, but then it sunk into your brain, and 24 hours later you suddenly realized something...? No? Er, well I guess now I have. I was in my Lit. of Comics & Graphic Narrative class Monday morning as always...well, my teacher knows I have a webcomic and he likes that I draw comics and is always asking for my opinion on things in class since I'm the only one in class apparently who specifically flat-out said that its what I do and want to do. As far as I know, he hasn't actually read it, he just knows of it existing and that its in anime/manga style. And he knows that the life of a webcomic artist is the one I totally want to have, though really its also the thing I've sitting here in unsure/doubt land about. It's also something I never willing want to admit to anything as what I want to do - he only knows because he bluntly asked and feeling on the spot, I blurted out "yes".

But anyway! So we're in class and talking about the works we read last weekend (Blankets by Craig Thompson, which I didn't read because I've already read it, and then Will Eisner's works). A few times he has brought up about how he knows people and students who are only into the art of comics and could really care very little about the actual stories - they care more about what "looks cool" and its what they want to draw. This has always been something I don't understand, because to me story should always come first in the comic. So, he gets to asking me about my opinion as he does, and asks how I felt about Will Eisner's storytelling. I replied that you could tell he puts a lot of effort into it (really, and when you hear him talk about it, he truly is commendable), it pays off, and then I mentioned that you can tell he cares for the story first which is something I appreciate because I've always felt story should be more important.

He immediately smiles at me and remarks about how "all the masters of comics feel that way". Since he then went back to his rambling on people who only want to draw comics that look cool, I don't feel that remark was in any specific way directed to me to think about. Yet even so that sentence kind of drifted into the back of my mind and started to mull itself over...

Next thing I know, at 12 AM I start typing furiously, and by 2 AM I have nearly 4,000 words typed out discussing story vs art in comics and relating it to my own thoughts/opinions and process of comic making. What in gods name did that have to do with anything, or even anything he said? Why did I even feel compelled to do that? I HAVE NO IDEA. It was a surge of insanity, perhaps. But as I started typing all that so I could get it out of my head, as it progressed it somehow turned into me thinking of my own future in comics. By the end I had one question and one resolve.

The question - Could I aspire to maybe be like one of the 'masters'?
The resolve - I am going to try my hardest, damnnit!

As insane as that process to revelation might sound, it worked. I feel more optimistic, clear-headed, and determined than I've felt in weeks. Months even.

Life is weird, but let it flow for you never know where it'll goooo...Maybe this year won't suck after all haha. (Though oil painting still defeats me D: )

I feel like I don't have time to do anything anymore...which for some reason always brings into my mind Dane Cook saying, "I can't even eat an English Muffin! D:"

Such is life right now. I go to school, come home, "relax" which I soon regret because it means I have done nothing productive, do homework, work on FC, take a shower, work some more on something, go to bed, repeat...It's monotonous and busy. That has to be possibly the worst combination ever made.

I don't mind working on these things, I just wish I had some time to do OTHER things every once in a while...yet the opportunities where I could have done something different I always miss and only realize they were there in hindsight! DX Oh, how foolish I be...

*collapses*

And that is the update of my life...

I haven't updated my DA account in a while, woops. What's going on in my life? Eh, not much.

Though I've noticed something lately. I've been getting more into my comic a LOT lately...I mean, I was always into it, but not like this. It used to be "Oh, I gotta update that...eventually...hmm..." and now it's like I actually want to work on it all the time. It might be related to the fact I've written up so much of the script that now I'm all like, "YEAH!! I wanna get to this part!!!" I also have been wanting to get more people into it, but then I see other people who are younger than me and amazing and...then I'm just like, "...I'm going back to my nice little corner now..."

Though I realize more fans would give me more obligation for it, and I actually kind of want that...yeah, deep down I just want attention, appreciation, whatever. I've been kind of obsessed with statcounter too (Damn you Dan for showing it to me...!). It's a mixed bag. On one hand it's neat to see where people are from who read it, but on the other hand I also see how many people don't get past page 3...which sucks...Then I want to redo the beginning to be all like "LOOK! I'm better now! Please read...!" but at the same time I really DON'T want to do that because I find it kind of neat to see how I've progressed. (That's the cool thing about webcomics, ya know)

So bleh. Just bleh.

In summary, I'm becoming obsessive and desperate for attention! Help! DX

Life has ninja skills. You're all happy and feeling fine and dandy when suddenly - SWOOSH - in comes Life the Ninja, slicing your happiness like paper, the jerk. Why does it do this? I don't know, but it does. Things were as splendiforous as can be when all of a sudden last week was stressful and emotionally draining out of the blue. Before that even completely cleared up - SWOOSH - Life the Ninja attacks AGAIN! This time, the cruel thing didn't slice me - ooooh no, that woulda been too easy - instead it's like "...Here's all 9357891 things you need to do. You have a week. Go!"

It's homecoming week (oh joy, the excitement, it kills.) so I've got stuff to do for yearbook (Concetta and I are covering the game Friday, when I don't particularly care to go to...it will be the most painful hours of my life. What part of "for the love of God, don't give me a sports event" did Mr. Zoubek not understand?) I've found interviewing people is quite bothersome. First you have to FIND the people, then because the recorders aren't working for some reason, you have to write down EVERYTHING they say verbatim and have them sign that it's what they said (which takes longer). Worse yet, and I shan't lie, they really have nothing very interesting or exciting to say.
"The homecoming game has more people..."
"It's a lot more enthusiastic..."
"More pressure 'cuz there's more people who want you to win..."
"Leadership is important..."
No duh! And naturally, "We don't do anything different for homecoming game, we treat it like any other game." Thank you football fellows. You're making this very difficult. Hopefully the fans at the game will prove more interesting. (Though I shouldn't be mean, they are rather nice fellows...but they could at least sound excited themselves.)

So there's that, and I've got various things to do for various other classes, blah blah blah. Saturday morning I take the SAT (oh, can't contain my excitement there either), and Sunday's agenda is still under works apparently. Bah...just, much to do...on the bright side, my college applications are progressing at a nice rate. Nearly done actually. Two essays to write, one more recommendations to find, and then I have to send in my portfolio and that's it. (Though some things I still plan to edit for that, and one piece I would like to add in but I need it back first )

If life wasn't such a damn good ninja, I would beat it with a stick. curse its uber skills and stealth.

So I'm sitting there at my computer, the only one home...I was going to work on my comic, but first I wanted to randomly record on my microphone since no one is home at all. Figured I'd practice reading my story from creative writing before I read it before half the class tomorrow, ya know? Makes sense, yes?

So I do a search for the microphone, eventually find it, plug it in...

I try recording a bit, but it doesn't work. So I unplug it, check that the part that hooks into the part that goes into the USB drive is right. It is. I see it accidentally got set on mute, so I set that off and go to plug it back in...I haven't plugged it in yet, and it makes a sound like something got unplugged twice. So I'm like "Hm, delayed reaction? Wait, but I only unplugged it once..." So I'm like "Oh, whatever." and plug the thing in. I sit back up and look at my computer.

At the same moment that I read "USB has malfunctioned..." I start smelling burning rubber. An incredibly STRONG smell of burning rubber. It took me a while to place the smell, but I immediately knew it was not a good smell and that something was probably going to explode. As always, my immediate reaction when I think something is terribly amiss with my computer (like when it randomly started a countdown one day), regardless of how dangerous I think the situation may be, I calmly send someone a message on instant message.

I would have liked to message Steph, the computer expert, but she was not online.
Dan would have been second, but he too was gone.
I tried Craig, my third choice, but he got offline right after I sent my cry for help.
I would have loved to scream for my dad's assistance, but he was not home. (Damn back to school night)
So that left Michelle and Alli.

Now keep in mine, while I may be calming saying to my friends "Hey, I smell this, what do you think it is? What should I do?"...I'm already taking action. I am actually panicking. I am moving anything flammable away from my hard drive, unplugging anything that can be unplugged, and then smelling those things I unplugged from the USB ports to see if they were melting.

Michelle said maybe there was something faulty with my light bulbs so I should turn off my lights. I do this, but of course by now the smell is suffocating me, and I'm like "I'm pretty sure its not the bulb...*gag gag*" She explains to me how such thing has happened to her before, but all I'm thinking this:

"My computer mouse likes to explode.
The only thing my light bulbs do is screech before they burn out.
The computer is telling me something is malfunctioning.
I'm PRETTY SURE its the COMPUTER and I NEED to GET THE FUCK OFF IT BEFORE IT EXPLODES!!"

But I don't tell her any of that. Alli meanwhile only had this to say: "Well that can't be good." So I tell Michelle I'm thinking its the computer, and I'm going to turn it off and move to the computer downstairs. And the moment she types "ok" I'm like "YES. FINALLY."

I have never turned the computer off and with so much determination and energy before. I turned it off like my life depended on it. (Well, I thought it did)

I've been checking back on it every couple minutes...making sure nothing is on fire...it still smells awful...

Yeah. Just thought I'd share this while I wait for my parents to come home so I can be like "Ummm...I think my computer is going to explode if I turn it on. Help?"

The irony was I was finally going to finish the page of FC that I was late on, and now I CAN'T because I'm scared to turn my computer back on! Confound it! I have such a love/hate relationship with irony...